Iliza Shlesinger – Set List: Stand-Up Without a Net


(pounding guitar music) (audience clapping) – This show rules. – I personally love it
better than standup. – This is so wonderful
to have a comedy club in the back of a comic book store. It’s like having a dance studio in the back of a porn shop. (laughter) – I’ve seen comedians, I’ve known ’em for 20 years, and I see ’em do this and I’m like, fuck, it’s
a whole different thing. – It’s like a ballgame, man. You can lose, you know. (electronic drums) Heh heh heh heh heh. – I would say this is a comedy show for genuine lovers of comedy and for comics who are funny people, not just funny onstage. Being funny onstage helps, too. (audience whoops and claps) (electronic drums) – Let’s give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for the never-before-seen set list of Iliza Shlesinger. (claps) (electronic drums) – How’s everybody doin’? Great. Good-looking crowd. Lotta nerds. (audience laughs) – That’s fine. This is fine. This is your place, this is your mecca. This is all right? It’s okay, it’s very PC. Post-9/11 world. We can say that, it’s okay. Ooh, she said 9/11 so quickly. (audience laughs) Like, right for it. And you can’t fucking
get your head to stop thank fuckin’ God. So for the longest time, my mom was taking birth control and I was like, who are we foolin’? (audience laughs) Come on. We know how old you are. So I went ahead and switched it out with these iron pills because I was just like, I wanna see how fuckin’
jacked Mom can get. And I switched them out. I had to cut them down because birth control pills, I don’t take birth control, I don’t believe in it, that’s my own thing. For you, it’s great. For me, I just think the idea of fucking up your body so a guy can have the pleasure of getting off in you totally not something I wanna do. I think you would also need a boyfriend (audience laughs) for that to even be
something that you would shit on for other people’s choices. But they’re tiny, I’ve noticed. ‘Cuz in sitcoms it’s always like, oh, Bobby replaced Becky’s birth control with, like, Pez or something, and she’s a dumb hooker if you think your birth control tastes
like strawberry, but fine. Anyway, so I took my Mom’s because I am a sociopath, apparently, and I cut them down. I took the iron pills, and I cut them down, I slivered them down, and I spent hours just carving, meticulously, I would
carve serial numbers in. I had a whole thing set up downstairs, with like a little lens that people use, and I’d carve, and she’d
knock, she’d be like, what are you doing down there? And I’d be like, it’s weird that I still live at home, and I’d just carve them to little bits, and I would go in and I would replace them and Mom stopped getting her
period a long time ago, because she’s in her 60s, but I noticed that she
was a lot more aggressive and she had bigger muscles. By iron pills, I meant testosterone pills. And so, that’s what I meant. And now Mom has a beard. And now I don’t need to visit Dad because Mom is Dad. I’ve got one together. So the divorce was fine because it’s one parent. I’ve created a hybrid parent. It’s what the Germans wanted to do. The Japanese were right behind them. It was a night like any other night, and I had just informed by boyfriend that I don’t believe
in taking birth control for his pleasure, and he was like, I’ve got an idea. I’ve got these sweet-ass condoms, you don’t have to put them on, they just kind of hover around your dick and it’s kind of, it’s a meta idea of having sex. You don’t actually have sex, it’s the idea that the protons orbiting around the matter that makes up your penis would sort of create a force field and in that, the sex
happens out of the body. There’s actually no touching. It’s very Mormon, very Amish, no touching, and the sex just it’s the magnetism, the animal magnetism that they’re referring to. When we say magnetic condom night, it’s a night at the rec center. (audience laughs) They invite all the homeless to come. It’s a service that we provide here at the center for homeless people to fuck. (audience laughs, a few clap) So if there’s one rule
that I’ve always lived by, aside from not believing in birth control, which was a weird riff I’ve
created with the audience. But I said that I can explain it later. My motto has always been JPR, which is Just Put Everything Right There. We forgot the T. In the South, it’s rightthere, it’s just like a quick was to say it. I’m from Texas. ‘Cuz I have this, it’s like an organizing, I have a disorder for organizing. It’s an organizational disorder, which we wrestle with in
the medical community. I’m also in the medical community. Not a doctor per se, but one time I stuck my hand in a fucking garbage disposal and I had to sew up my own thing with
the magnifying glass I have downstairs. And I sewed it up, and I
gave myself a bionic hand. And it was super-cool until we realized it was just a bunch of hot dogs and it was gross. Just put everything right there, it’s just my way of saying, like, all your shit in life, just make sure you put it to one side, push it down, just down, suppress it until it becomes a ball of rage or somehow solidifies into some type of calcium deposit and you grow a horn. That happened. The Germans were working
on something like that. (audience applauds loudly) So, yeah. (scattered audience laughs) So when you are a POW, another acronym for you, all right? Oooh rah, okay, so when you are, let’s say, captured by the enemy, there’s certain rules. Number one, maintain and sustain yourself, hydration, maybe try to keep a routine, so you can remember what time of day it is because they don’t want
you to mentally go crazy, these are certain rules that
they have in the military. But also, it’s important to
kibitz with your cellmate. You’re gonna wanna talk to him, you want to find out his interests. Just kind of, you know,
find out about his day, this will keep you sane. Did you enjoy the bamboo shoots under your fingernails today? How did that feel for you? It feel OK? OK, yes, no, I couldn’t breathe during
the water torture, either, but I feel like that’s the point. So just kind of, kind of these things. The small talk is really what, they’ll say it will set you free, ‘cuz it keeps your mind going, but really it’s what will drive you crazy. And that’s what the
Germans were working on. (audience laughs) I’ll take that as a closer, that’s fine. (punchy guitar music) For some reason, I got it in my head that that’s what the
Germans were working on was going to be my button for everything. Didn’t seem to go over well, but I went with it. It’s an intelligent crowd, so you really get a chance to use all your SAT words. You know, you can’t get away with, like, fart and dick jokes. You know, they set the bar
a little bit higher here at Nerdmelt? That’s what it’s called? Okay. (electronic drums fade out) (fast electronic beeps) (sound of cards being shuffled)

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99 thoughts on “Iliza Shlesinger – Set List: Stand-Up Without a Net

  1. Mother of GOD… Who is that fucking guy in the background with the Aw haw haw haw haw hawwwwww! Fucking constantly. How did she concentrate?

  2. Don't know what people are complaining about. I always cringe when female comedians aren't funny because they're re-enforcing the stereotype women aren't funny which is bad obviously, but I didn't have to do any cringing watching this, she was good.

  3. Hmm for magnetic condom I would have gone with "She wanted to use them to find her keys". Then use a physical joke of having to shake them off after… removing them from the penis.

  4. I hope the haw haw haw hawwwwww guy got to fuck this dumb "wannabe" comedian without a magnetic condom, so that she would have to take a birth control pill….

    Awful 0/10 !!

  5. This is really good practice if you pause when a new card comes up and try to think of your own thing. I had a pretty funny idea for the torture chamber small talk bit.

    guy being crucified looks over to a man who's just been shackled to the wall and with a happy grin asks,
    "How are ya?"
    guy shackled to the wall raises his head with a distraught, puzzled look
    "What?"
    "How's it going?", crucified guy cheerily restates
    shackled guy looks around rapidly as if in disbelief and confusion
    "How do you think it's fucking going!?"
    shakes his shackles in an angry gesture.
    "Jesus! I was only making conversation… … huhuhuh, Jesus, get it?"
    gestures to the fact he is being crucified
    "You've gone mad haven't you?"
    "Mad? huhuh, yeah I'm a right nutter me!"
    "Oh God, how long have you been here?"
    "Ooh, hard to say really, I guess… about an hour?"

    Argh I really want to change some of that now but the above is pretty true to how it came out.

  6. I didn't notice the haw haw haaaawwwww guy until I read the comments and now I can't stop hearing him. He haunts my dreams, he's there at every waking moment, I may not escape his laugh until I end my pathetic existence…

  7. I'm glad that in later shows she abandoned the fake hair. There is nothing wrong with short hair, it's still sexy.

  8. After listening to her disappointments with men over the years In my deductive reasoning I think she is borderline lezbo she's on the fence leaning towards men but slipping a foot of the rail to the woman's side. Don't stray Iliza ,come back!!

  9. Caution, man hating jokes ahead, for a man's pleasure ? get your head out of your ass ILIZA, birth control has freed many people, and not all of them are women, you self centered Misandrist !

  10. Narcissist with Sociopathic tendencies maybe you complete fuck nugget

    ^_^

    Funny shit

    Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    is fine

    shhhhhhhhh

    Ama hit you with a bag of fucked Knuckles and shit so just like

    IN with ANGER

    OUT

    With LOVE!

    Fucking shit you need to be hiding in MY CUPBOARD

    Yup……

    Bongles kinda fuckin flat out like she wants Blanche time…………….

  11. "I don't take birth control, I don't believe in it… the idea that fucking up your body so a guy can have the pleasure of getting off in you, not something I want to do."

    crickets

    She hates men to the point that she hates sex.

  12. Electrons orbit protons, which are in the nucleus of the atom, with the neutrons. Seriously, Iliza? I thought better of you.

  13. I don't get the hate, I thought it was decently funny. definitely not as atrocious as these commenters are letting on.

  14. One of the 98% of unfunny "female comedians". This is less bad than her our special shows which are awfully cringing !! Vomits

  15. Torture chamber small talk: *Two people dangling from the ceiling upside down by their nipples. One of em says to the other, "So um…. you hang here often?"

  16. Her improv skills are great, chatter wise, but not funny. Average female… I'm not sexist, I'm just going off what I see in the world around me.

  17. If I could, I would fly over the Middle East and throw that guy out of the plane and into a group of ISIS walking around. He is the one American we don't need saving.

  18. What the hell is up with the guy laughing at anything she throws at the audience? At least, she did not do her 'dolphin' voice. But her German and mom-dad hybrid jokes were really bad.

  19. after having read the commentsection, I must say, this is the first time I feel more sorry for an audience member, than a comedian 😀 poor goat-laugh-guy

  20. She said its a smarter crowd so you cant get away with fart and dick jokes, dont use that as an excuse you can det away with that anywhere lol

  21. Improv is tough. She’s a great comedian. The people really rock this are the really old school comics. Bobcat and Robin Williams do fantastic. Give her a few more years of this and she will be great.

  22. I kept hearing that one dude's laugh so frequently during the video that I thought that somebody was replaying a recording lmao.

  23. Yes, haw haw guy was annoying. And I'm not going to shit on her for this. I didn't personally laugh, but this is really REALLY fucking hard to do. She's riffing, so it's mostly seeds of ideas. She did alright.

  24. This was before she got the nasal surgery. I always wondered how badly her nose was damaged, if not a birth defect, that she got it reduced so small. Seen her now, her nose actually looks better as it. Yet the nose never stops growing, so by the time she's 70 it won't be as big as it would be if she didn't get surgery.

  25. She would be the perfect woman if she wasn't a filthy feminist. Fun story: birth control is unilaterally for female benefit. Every woman I've been with hasn't used BC as a free pass for me to cum in her. It's for her, not me, so she can limit her risk–which is pretty much all women care about, limiting risk to themselves. Not only are women the gatekeepers of sex biologically [hence why we don't hunt female deer or mudcrabs when pop is low: more valuable for the species to survive], so they already have ALL of the control when it comes to which men reproduce and which do not–birth control allows them to further enhance this already overpowered control, taking out 99% of the uncertainty.

    This is awesome. It would be equally awesome if men had a say in their own reproduction. But we don't. The premise here is we all want sex, but we don't want kids until we're ready for them. The same thing goes for men. If I knock a chick up, its totally up to her whether my life is destroyed or not, before I can establish myself financially. So at this point, it would destroy me if she chose to keep a baby from me and decided to enforce her ENORMOUS social power via the judicial system to jack what little money I have and mandate that I drop out of school and work a full time shitty job to support her.

  26. She would be the perfect woman if she wasn't a filthy feminist. I find it interesting that she placed herself in the victim role in the torture small talk topic. The ironic thing is she mocks women a lot in her stand up.

    Fun story: birth control is unilaterally for female benefit. Every woman I've been with hasn't used BC as a free pass for me to cum in her. It's for her, not me, so she can limit her risk–which is pretty much all women care about, limiting risk to themselves. Not only are women the gatekeepers of sex biologically [hence why we don't hunt female deer or mudcrabs when pop is low: more valuable for the species to survive], so they already have ALL of the control when it comes to which men reproduce and which do not–birth control allows them to further enhance this already overpowered control, taking out 99% of the uncertainty.

    This is awesome. It would be equally awesome if men had a say in their own reproduction. But we don't. The premise here is we all want sex, but we don't want kids until we're ready for them. The same thing goes for men. If I knock a chick up, its totally up to her whether my life is destroyed or not, before I can establish myself financially. So at this point, it would destroy me if she chose to keep a baby from me and decided to enforce her ENORMOUS social power via the judicial system to jack what little money I have and mandate that I drop out of school and work a full time shitty job to support her.

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