S2E7: My Therapist Is None Of Your Business


[front door opening and closing] Pat: So I really want nice ramen but I also can’t order nice ramen because even though I understand that it’s a
qualitatively different thing from the ramen in the pantry, my brain classifies
them as the same thing and thus by ordering nice ramen I’m basically
wasting money. But if YOU want it nice ramen too,
then I’d feel justified in ordering it so no pressure, but my fate is in your hands. Why would there be pressure? It’s my happy place. Do you want ramen or not? I’ll be benevolent today. Pat: Sweet. What did you tell her. Who? Your therapist. What makes you think
I told her something? I mean, other than the fact that
telling her things is the whole point. Because you always have something
to say after therapy. When it’s awkward, you gossip
about how awkward it was. When it’s boring, you get anxious
about wasting a session. Not always. I know every single time you’ve cried in therapy because you always come home
with that smug look on your face, like “Oh, look at me! I cried in therapy!
I’m in touch with my emotions!’ Like, big deal. I cried making muffins today. Oooo, there’s muffins? Which means that you either
talked about something really embarassing… Or you talked about me. Fine. It was something embarrassing. No it wasn’t. Yes it was. You’d never admit it if it was. I would if you were badgering me. What’d you say about me? It wasn’t about you! It was about… sex stuff! Embarrassing sex stuff! [sing-song] I don’t believe youuuuu… Well you should, because it’s true. What kind of sex stuff? It was about… kink, Sam! You happy? I’m a kinkster! Bullshit! I like aaaalll the kinks. You get squeamish watching
that scene from Titanic! It just wasn’t it necessary! Anyway. That’s why I don’t want to talk about it. About the kink? Nope. I don’t buy it. It’s about me. Isn’t that your Twitter bio? You’re not mad at me, though. I’m starting to be… No, when you tattle on me to your therapist
and she agrees with you you bring that back as fuel for the argument. And when she agrees with me,
you come back with your tail between your legs and apologize. That seems- Accurate. You’re not in love with me
for reasons we’ve discussed… Look- Are you… worried about me? You know, there’s such a thing
as doctor-patient confidentiality. That doesn’t exist for us. Well maybe it should. Please. Pat: No! Just because we talk
about this all the time doesn’t mean I owe you any of it. I am allowed to not
talk about it. Fine. You’re right. I am. Don’t push it. You know you don’t have
to worry about me, right? Yeah I do. But that’s not what this was. So, I really want nice ramen-
fuck we already did this.

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