The agony of trying to unsubscribe | James Veitch

It’s funny the things you forget. I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story that I’d completely
forgotten about how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over, and by the time she had
gotten out of the car, and gone around the car
to let me out of the car, I would have already gotten out of the car and pretended to have died. (Laughter) (Applause) Because that’s how you die. (Laughter) And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated. (Laughter) Settle down. (Laughter) People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right? I don’t know about that, but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails. I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm, which will remain nameless for predominantly legal reasons, but which I’m going to call “SafeMart.” (Laughter) I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said: “Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King’s Cross opens!!!” And I resented this, because not only do I not remember
signing up to that, but I resent the fact
that they appear to think that I should be excited
about a shop opening. So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email, and I pressed, “Unsubscribe.” And I thought that’d be the end of it. But a week later,
I got another one that said, “Just two weeks until SafeMart at King’s Cross opens!!!” And I thought, obviously,
I haven’t clicked hard enough. So I tried it again. Right? Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it, “Just one week until SafeMart
at King’s Cross opens!!!” And here’s the problem: The internet gave us access to everything; but it also gave everything access to us. It’s hard enough to discriminate between the things that genuinely
matter in this world and the minutiae of life, without having emails
about supermarket chains and Candy Crush Saga. And I was really annoyed with them, and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email, which I can do quite well. (Laughter) And I thought, no — I’m going to find the game. So I replied to it, and I said, “I literally cannot wait!!!!” (Laughter) “What do you need from me?” They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said, “Hi James. I’ve asked a colleague
to help me with your query.” (Laughter) Like it needs help. And I said, “What’s the plan, Dan? I’m thinking fireworks, bouncy castle …” (Laughter) “I’m not sure what you mean.” (Laughter) I said, “I’m just tremendously
excited about the opening!” (Laughter) “Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?” He said, “I think you have misunderstood.” (Laughter) “A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned.” I said, “But what was all the ‘Three weeks
until,’ ‘Two weeks until’ emails? I was getting excited.” (Laughter) “I’m sorry you’re disappointed.” (Laughter) I said, “Not to worry. Let’s do something anyway! Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable.” (Laughter) “If we don’t use it, we’re out
a few hundred quid, Dan.” (Laughter) He said, “Mr. Veitch, I’m not responsible
for anything you have ordered.” I said, “Let’s not get into who did what. Bottom line: you and I
are in this together.” (Laughter) (Applause) “Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?” (Laughter) I’ll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat, because the next email I got was this: “Thanks for your email –
your Case Number is …” (Laughter) That’s outrageous. I said, “Dan?” (Laughter) And I got — and I was just like,
this is … — and I, I …. And I said, “Danny?” And I thought, this is terrible.
All I’m doing is collecting case numbers. I said, “D-Dog?” (Laughter) “The store is now open.” (Laughter) I said, “But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle.” And then we were back to this. And that might have been
the end of the story, but I remembered
that anything — everything — even something as mundane
as getting out of a car, can be fun if you find the right game. So, this is what I replied: [Thanks for your email –
your Case Number is #0000001.] (Laughter) (Applause) And we just, uh … (Laughter) It was like we were dancing. It was just a beautiful relationship. We just kept going. It was lovely. But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive, and I had other stuff to do, believe it or not. So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program. And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart, it just pings one back. So I set it up, and it says, “Thanks for your email –
your Case Number is …” Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time. And I put it on the server and set it running. (Laughter) I’ll be honest, guys — then I forgot about it. (Laughter) I checked back on it the other day, and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth. We’re on 21,439. (Applause) It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another for eternity. And as legacies go,
I don’t think that’s bad. So guys, just remember: if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy and often mundanity of modern life, don’t fight the frustration. Let it be the catalyst for whimsy. (Laughter) Thank you. (Applause)

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100 thoughts on “The agony of trying to unsubscribe | James Veitch

  1. The scammer video was actually legit, but here he's just wasting some poor customer service employee's time

  2. Dear James. Please please please can you dive into the world of online dating. I've just spent two hours leading scammers around by the nose and it's absolutely hilarious some of the conversations.. 😂

  3. My predecessor at my work place signed up for some newsletters. Since he wasn't with the company any longer I unsubscribed from a few of them. I remember one newsletter that was really pestering. I unsubscribed. They sent an email again. I unsubscribed. They sent an email again. I unsubscribed…. they sent an email again. So I replied "how often do I have to click 'unsubscribe' before I get unsubscribed?"
    That seemed to do the trick, I didn't recieve any emails from that address again.

  4. If I can't unsubscribe, I just mark them spam. Problem Solved! If enough people do this Google automatically start listing those mails spam for everyone.

  5. Despite this being super funny and almost seeming like stand up it actually has a very strong and good message.

  6. Not sure what to make of this suddenly ubiquitous comic. He is hilarious, in a Jimmy Carr way, playing close to the edge of humour and very bad taste, showing himself pretending to be dead in front of his mother just isn't funny, but I laughed anyway. I used to do comedy but unintentionally. I wrote scripts that actors struggled with as they laughed so much, and gave educational lectures that turned into stand up comedy hour. The comedy came when I was so angry at life. Comics are often troubled people. I tried breaking into more serious writing, which was still successful but criticised as too melodramatic. Other than here haven't written for many months. I don't have writer's block, I am reeling from too much knocking me down and now the possibility I may have a terminal illness so can't see the point of continuing ongoing and new projects I may never finish. In fiction life follows a pattern. In real life stuff – good or bad – is just chucked at you. I keep thinking of a Benjamin Zander quote, that we create ourselves and our world by the stories we tell. My work has never been in the first person, or about me, but hidden deep inside is the story I want to tell – humour, warts, and all. I came close to picking up my pen yesterday. I do it here. But here I can jump from character and mood without consistency.
    Life won't come to me until I start to live, for however long. I am writing this from a café. The first time I've been out just for the sake of it in months. Baby steps.
    Why am I purging myself to J. Veitch?

  7. Lucky you: there are countries – close to you, anyway much closer than you'd think – where you will get tons of emails from "no-reply" addresses. Yeah, that's right: government agencies etc. will email you with no possibility for you to reply. So, enjoy your "freedom" to reply. While it lasts, anyway.

  8. i hate stand up, but this dude just brought new hope to stand up comedy for being unique, extremely funny, but clever

  9. that was the day that

    KitKat last ever sawr D-Dog's email.

    James now has a warehouse full of
    rubber ducks, a red toaster, and yes,

    even the (deflated) bouncy castle
    for the king's cross shop


  10. I had similar problem with debt collectors that were calling to me every day asking for a person I didn't even know and saying it was a wrong number didn't help, I downloaded auto caller that ping them a call every few seconds and within few hours my number was blocked and they called me like 2 times more within few weeks and then never called again.

  11. I didn't know anyone ever clicked on the unsubscribe link in spam, that just confirms your email address is valid and gets you more spam. Mark it as spam and your email provider will move everything from that address to a spam folder you don't have to look at. Unless you enjoy wasting time on these spammers.

  12. I get the usual marketing emails I and ignore those. I also get numerous emails from Asian or Eastern European girls offering me a "good time" WTF, I eventually replied to one of these emails telling them that I am a woman, I am not interested in their services and telling them to stop sending me emails.

  13. That's the problem with spam emails. They come from automated systems with un-monitored smtp boxes, then when a frustrated
    real person replies, the server's like "OP, WE GOT A LIVE ONE!" 968 EMAILS 4 U!!!

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